Sunday, June 12, 2005
unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong.
don't you sometimes think that? its as if one moment things were going perfectly, exactly as you imagined them, but the next moment, suddenly your world came crashing down, and your flawless picture just morphs into your worse nightmare in an instant.
i thought that i could start anew when i started this year. i thought i could put last year's wrong behind me, and that this year would be better. i was even stupid enough to think that i would understand what i didn't last year.
when i didn't, i tried. tried so hard to make sure that i did, that i had at least a vague idea of what was going on. i tried asking people. i tried practicing. i mean, hell! i even tried listening to her monotonous drone, trying to pick what little bits of information i could out of her effing explanations.
but did all these attempts work? NOOOOOOOOOO. not in the least. so here i am, asking myself, why, then? did i go through all this trouble? why, then, was i so keen on trying harder this year? i should have just not done anything. i mean, if i must fail, who bloody cares how much i fail by? well, except HER. of course.
i now ask my next question. should i ATTEMPT to work harder and try to buck up? i mean, i tried harder than last year, but, hey, i find that i'm doing no better. worse, in fact. so, i ask once again, what is the point?
i know that some people would say that at least i can swim and all, but, tell me, where in hell can swimming get me? get a few medals, shake some hands, thank you thank you etc. and at the end of the day? i'm left with some useless medals that are worth nothing, and i mean nothing, to me. all i'll have left is some useless scrap metal and lots of beautiful memories.
well, maybe i could get a sports scholarship, you say. well, that certainly is possible, provided i want to swim for that long and that i won't poop out. which is extremely likely. besides, if i wer to get a scholarship based on swimming, i'd be bound to swim for, effectively, the rest of my youth! what a wonderful, tempting thought.
yes yes. i am wallowing in self pity, why, you ask, am i wasting your time with all my worthless woes? well, for one, maybe, just maybe, it because this is my bloody blog?! yea. and anyway, if you thought your time was being whiled away on something perfectly useless like reading this entry, you wouldn't have read this far, now would you?
logic is wonderful.
kat â¥
8:08 PM
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