Saturday, May 06, 2006
2.4 was ok i guess. decided that i was tired halfway through and ended up walking about 2 rounds. dots. i figured i only had to go fast enough to get an A right? so i was like, what the heck.. x)
hell this morning was retarded lar. we had swum like 8x50 of the warm up when there was thunder and lightning so we had to get up and do dryland. >< its not as if we did anything productive for that.. 45 mins(?) that we were up there. jaan went through the targets for each individual group by school nats, and i tell you, i can't make half the stuff for the D group even. 16x50 fly with fins on 60, perfect underwater kick, no breaking stroke, breathing every 2nd stroke. like what the *! looking at his criteria, i realised i wasn't even as fast as the smallies man. heck la. i dunno how everyone gets that kind of motivation to train hard anyway.
then he asked who thought all those times and sets were hard but achievable in the long run, and almost everyone stoof up but edmund, marc-us and me. dots. i should have just stood up with everyone else. and jaan just HAD to go ask why each of us thought the sets were unachievable (i guess i should have seen that coming though) so i had to answer right. then he made me go sit next to him and like blah blah blah. and i dunno why the hell i started tearing la. for clarification's sake, i'd rather you guys helped me quit swimming, and not help motivate me anymore, cos i'm just totally sick of it. the only reason i actually bother to go anymore is
1. i'm forced to go
2. i go to see friends.
its as simple as that.
doesn't life just seem meaningless at times? like you're in a dark, endless tunnel of which there is no way out? that's my life at the moment. good at nothing, can't do anything right, get something done but end up screwing the whole blasted thing.. the list goes on. and i don't think its gonna get any better.
so that brings me to another question. what on earth is the meaning of life? its a question that has been asked multiple times by multiple people, but its just never occurred to me to ask that question.. until now. is there nothing more to life than floundering about like a dead fish on the deck of a fishing boat, neither getting anywhere nor going anywhere? like a hamster running on its wheel in that endless cycle that repeats itself over and over again. life is exactly like that. you feel trapped yet there's nothing you can do about it.
i'd give anything to leave this life behind and go someplace happier where i don't have to worry about anything. someplace.. i dunno. there's no such thing as heaven on earth anyway. not for me at least. oh what the hell is the point of writing all this anyway, its not like its gonna alleviate any problem anyway.
i hate my life
its as simple as that.
kat â¥
1:41 AM
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